Friday, October 30, 2009


For some reason I can't seem to find any motivation at the moment. I am putting off things that I know I need to do. I know that unless I put some effort in I will achieve poorly this term, but for some reason that still doesn't motivate me. If I don't do well I will regret it, but my brain is mush at the moment and can't process anything.

I've gained 3kg. 3 friggen 3kg.

Months of self control, of hard work, of being more hungry than not, of starvation...for nothing.

But I can't find any self control anymore, I can't say no. I want to say no.

Every morning I wake up and say that I will be good that day, that I will start again to exhibit self control and to practise a healthy lifestyle. Every day, I fail.

3kg doesn't sound like much, but if this lack of self control continues, that number will increase.

Reminds me of a song I recently wrote:

"When perfect isn't good enough
What can you do?
When beautiful isn't pretty enough
Who are you?"

I want to do my assignmnents. I really want to. But I just...can't.

Do all fairytales have to include true love?
Because my fairytale has been rather lacking in it.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone who could possibly understand and love me completely.

Despite these rantings I'm not in a bad mood. I just feel very apathetic. I am rather happy at the moment, despite the aforementioned problems.

Life is the greatest blessing of all. So make the most of every day.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I feel sick.

I don't know whether it's anxiety, stress, regret, indigestion, random physical ailments.

but I feel sick.

maybe my body is disgusted with itself. It has all right to be.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


The past two days have been consumed entirely by anxiety, and being anxious for two days is rather tiring.
I have also been whimsically high these past few days, feeding off positivity and happiness. I do believe however, that this incredible up could be coming to an end. I still feel content, but my mood appears to be calming to a more placid state of mind.

Today brought wonderful happiness and relief. I found out that I made the school captain shortlist. Only one more week until all anxieties are gone.

I'm reading this interesting book at the moment. The main character reminds me a bit of myself, apart from the fact that she's pregnant.
She categorises people in two groups: Stars and Moons. Stars make their own light, and shine wherever they go. Moons on the other hand, borrow light, and reflect light.
She's in a relationship with someone because he's attractive.
She can't say no because she likes the attention.
She doesn't see this as wrong, or at least she doesn't admit it.
But she has this fixation with astronomy, with space, and with the universe. But not in a scientific way, in a poetic way.

I haven't finished the book yet, but look forward to it.

I have now decided, from what i've read so far, that I would like a telescope in my garden. I would love to spend nights on end watching the heavens. Escaping somewhere that no man has ever been before. A place that we cannot comprehend but can only conceive through imagination. Worldly problems would be left insignificant in the wake of this exploration. I could be free.

I've always looked at the mountains that surround The Gap and felt the urge to reach their summits, to climb over them. I've always felt as though they trapped me here. I know the suburbs that lie beyond, I've been there many millions of times. But I can't help but stare at those ridges at awe and wonder if one day, I will ever be free. Free to experience life beyond those mountains, beyond that barrier. Free to live my life.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Monday, October 19, 2009


Today was a day of uninterrupted happiness. Well, maybe not complete happiness, for I doubt that is easy for anyone to find in life, but close to it. Much of the day was devoted to learning and practising my school captain speech. I was home alone today, which I strangely enjoyed, but i ventured out and went on an adventure to the Ashgrove Library in search of books to use for my sos assignment. The feeling of independantly being able to move oneself around and achieve medial tasks such as borrowing books from the library is highly satisfying.

I cannot explain the sudden elation I am currently feeling. So many stressful things are coming up, and I don't even have a particular reason for happiness. Prince Charming has yet to be found (I am beginning to doubt his existance), I haven't achieved anything worthy of a good mood, And yet, I am in one. I like it, it suits me.

Tomorrow is a scary day, but I am excited for it.
A year ago I couldn't have done this, I wasn't sure of myself then.
But I think I know myself better now, I have confidence.
I am comfortable with any result, because I know that up until this point, I have tried my hardest, and that now, the ball is out of my court. I have done my best.

I only hope I can stay positive in the weeks to come, although from experience, these blissful days have a habit of disappearing just as quickly and unexpectedly as they appeared. I will continue to hope, and to pray, however, that this time, they will stay a little bit longer.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Today when I woke, things were different. The first thing I set my eyes upon was not the tangled web of clutter that my bedroom had been yesterday. It was clean. It even appeared rather spacious, as spacious as a cupboard-sized room could look. I woke early, at 6am. Being too early to get up and eat, I picked up 'Northanger Abbey', finishing it within two and a half hours. It was an entertaining novel, not captivating or moving, but managed to keep me interested from front cover to back. Now I face the difficult task of securing another book to keep me entertained in my (extremely rare) spare time.

Today was positive.
I mentioned yesterday that it had been quite a good day. Well today was even better. I once again tackled my biology EEI, as well as my school captain speech. Both have reached a stage where I am quite content with them. Of course content never got anyone an A+, or the position of school captain, so of course they need more work. Content, however, is still a good start.

After a productive morning, I felt I deserved a reward, and, seeing as I had sacrificed op-shopping with my girls on Saturday in order to study, I went shopping. There's nothing like a good shopping trip to destory one's self esteem, once they discover that nothing this season looks any good on them. And to stare hopelessly into the mirrors and noticing the four kilograms you've been trying to forget you put on.
I did however, manage to purchase a new dress and skirt, plus a couple of singlets to go with the latter. They are not what I was expecting to buy, but look nice.

I would write more but i must get off and eat my pasta before it gets cold.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I woke. It was a clear, spring morning, cloudless and fresh in every aspect. The air was still cool, but I knew it would heat up. The first thing that I laid my eyes upon was my bedroom. The state of my room usually reflects the state of my life-this morning, it was a mess. I reached groggily to my bedside table and picked up 'Northanger Abbey' by Jane Austen. I had started reading it the previous night, after finishing 'Jane Eyre'. I read.

After breakfasting and getting in a few more chapters of Northanger Abbey, the labourous task of cleaning began. It did not end until once again, the floor of my room could be seen, and the top of my desk had been found.

I then surrended to the mountain of work, at the foot of which i stood. It began with navigating the perils and bore of a biology EEI. It was all-consuming. Science is of great interest to me, however, biology assignments are the continual source of undue stress and life-unravelling anxiety. My last one caused me to suffer from a horrid fit of screaming, throwing and tears. The event can not be soon long forgotten.

The day transformed, like my newly tidyed bedroom, into a somewhat less stressful day than first percieved. However, when experiencing one of these less stressful (I was almost tempted to write 'happy') days, the joys of being up and not down are bittersweet, because once you are up, you know that you can only go down. And down I shall soon go, for many more hardships lie ahead.


It happens on Tuesday.

What could become the beginning of a positive, fruitful future, or the dismal abyss of a blackhole will begin on Tuesday.

School captain speeches.

I am prepared for any outcome, for I know any outcome is possible.
But i'm still allowed hope
I'm still allowed to dream
I'm still allowed to reach for the stars,
aren't I?

We shall see.

Today was quite an enjoyable day, though it didn't see anything extrodinary. Any day that is not black is enjoyable. A breath of fresh air. Freedom.

I prayed today. I hadn't prayed for weeks. Maybe that is why I had gone so downhill. It is a habit I shall try to improve upon.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

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