Onze

I haven't blogged anything for ages. Usually I use blogging to put words to the crazy things that go on in my head, or to write about the world through my eyes.

But I haven't had anything to write about for a while. And when I did, I didn't have to energy to blog it.

I'm slowly beginning to feel my energy coming back though, but I can't do too much or I get really tired. Today I baked cupcakes, and by the end of it I had to sit down because I physically could not stand anymore. But I'm getting better.


I had the strangest dream two nights ago.

I was being held prisoner by this person, yes they're a real person in my life, but I won't mention who they are, and they were torturing me. I don't know why they were torturing me, probably just for fun. They would cut off my limbs, or even slice my body in two, then somehow, I would come back to life again the next day, just to have it done all over again. You know in dreams how things change? Well at first I didn't recognise my torturer, they were just a person. But after a while they turned into someone that I know. After being tortured for however long it was, I was taken to a death camp, where hundreds of prisoners are taken to be killed. We were in the car on the way there, when the scariest thing happened in the whole dream. Scarier than being tortured, scarier than going to a death camp. I was sitting next to my torturer (who at this point is now the person that I know) and I asked them why they tortured people. I don't exactly remember their response, but I think it had something to do with money. I was disgusted. Then, at some point during the car ride, they kissed me. I said (something to this effect):
"Why did you do that? Is it because you actually care about me? Or just because you know this is the last time you're ever going to see me, because shortly I will be dead?"
The car stopped and I got out. He never answered my question.

When I woke up, I remembered that question so vividly. I remembered asking it as though it came from my own physical lips. I remember the look on his face as if he were right there before me. I still felt my gut wrenching.

That whole morning I could hardly speak. I was lost in a whirlwind of confusion. They were the last person I thought I'd be dreaming out, yet the dream metaphorically depicted exactly what my feelings are towards him. But just to clear things up, there was absolutely nothing romantic about that kiss.


Well i've since reminded myself that they are a person I know longer wish to think about, and I seem to have settled my mind again. However, I don't think I will forget that dream for a while, It's images will continue to haunt me.


Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Dix

What times are we living in where sixteen year old girls must be affected by financial issues?
Where young, sixteen year old girls must sacrifice the things they care about because of financial stress.
And I'm not just talking about the little things like a milkshake, or a new dress.
I'm talking about opportunties, experiences, the things that matter.

Why must I sit here on the verge of tears, knowing that no matter how much I want something, money will be the reason why I can't have it.
I've always believed that anyone can do anything they want to if they work hard enough.
But I guess no matter how hard you work, there are other factors that contribute.
I work hard.
But there is no possible way for me to get the money I need.

So now I must sacrifice something that I really want. I have to let down my friends, give up a rite of passage, and miss out on an amazing experience. All because of something as materialistic as money.

Why must my innocent, juvenile mind be corrupted by adult problems?

Kids shouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing.

I'm having a hard time swallowing the lump in my throat as I type this.




Are we growing up too quickly these days? I wish things were simpler. I wish the world wasn't so driven by consumerism, by greed, by money.
You go to university to get a career. You have a career to make money. You make money to spend on yourself.
I hate it.
Why must I need ridiculous amounts of money just so I can enjoy myself and have a good time with my friends?
Why must I sacrifice that just because I don't have enough money.
I hate it.

I guess things don't always work out the way you want them to. I can't always expect everything to go my way. That's life.

I should probably get used to it. I should cover my heart in stone so it doesn't feel these things anymore. So disappointment and happiness are the same thing. So I can become blind to the horrible way in which our world works, so that I don't care about it anymore. That's what everyone else does right?



The worst part is that I know out there, millions of people are starving. I'm complaining because I have to sacrifice one experience in my life. They have to sacrifice their lives.


That still doesn't make me feel any better. That still won't stop the tears. But it's something. And I really am thankful for everything I have. But it still hurts.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x.

Neuf

Haven't blogged for ages, guess that reflects how busy I have been, considering how much I enjoy blogging.

Today my youth group is going to the Rosewood Church just outside Ipswich. We've been there once before, its really nice. Unfortunately I can't go, I have an exam tomorrow and i need all afternoon and night to study for it.

Which is quite a shame really because the drive there is really nice. I like long drives. I used to hate them as a kid but I guess with new technologies such as ipods, they're more enjoyable now. I love the feeling of sitting in a car, looking out the window at new and wonderful scenery, and listening to music that brings up images, feelings and scenarios. You feel as if you are escaping.

Not only the physical sense, but the emotional and mental sense too.

When I listen to music it conjours up stories, images, feelings, scenarios, people. They story matches the song. When I listen to music I'm a thousand miles away, feeling different things, talking to different people, sometimes even living a different life. Sometimes these imaginings are vivid enough to make me fall in love, sometimes they're real enough to make me cry.

But apart from that, it also gives you a time to reflect. To be at peace. You can sit still and do nothing during a long car ride, and still not get restless because there's a whole world out your window passing you by.

Pity I can't go. Pity I have to stay at home all night and study.



Recently, my heart has been changing. I think it's letting go. Finally.
Then again, maybe it's not.
It's almost been four years. Four years is a long time.
Maybe that's why I never felt right with anyone else. Because i couldn't let go. Because they only had what was left over of my heart, what wasn't already taken.

But with every passing day I think the part of my heart that is taken is gradually shrinking.
I think it's letting go.

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

Goodbye my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do.

-Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

Beautiful song.

I don't think he's my Prince Charming. I don't think he ever will be.

It took me four years to realise that.

But now I'm free.

Just another everyday fairytale,

Erin x

Huit

A health freak with a sweet tooth.
A determined personality with a lazy attitude.
A stubborn girl with a lack of self control.

Why am I a contradiction?
Maybe everyone is like that, maybe they're not. It's frustrating.
One day I'll eat really healthy, or I won't eat much at all. I'll be proud of my effort.
But the next day I won't care the least about health or body image, and gorge on sugar and fat all day.

One day I'll work so hard on an assignment because I really want to do well. The next, I'll procrastinate because I have no motivation.

One day I'll spend every minute thinking inappropriate thoughts about people I shouldn't be thinking about and flirting with them at every opportunity. The next day, I'll regret my lack of morals and self control, and realise that there's more to life.

I guess lots of people are like that too, but it is rather annoying. You can't find stability. You don't actually know what you want.



I'm almost counting down the days until holidays. I know I just have to keep working hard for a little bit longer, and then i can collapse. The two months off school are going to be great. I'm going to make them great. I'm going to relax and do things just for the fun of it, not because I have to. I'm going to exercise lots and be outdoors. I'm going to go on adventures and discover and learn new things. I'm going to catch up with old friends and make new friends. I'm going to recover and rejuvinate. I'm going to do things I've always wanted to do, and do things that I'll regret. I'm going to redecorate my new room, and move out of my old room. I'm going to spend time with the people I love, my family, my sisterhood, my circle of friends and my extended friends. I'm going to be young, be free, and be a teenage girl. I'm going to live.

So that when I walk through those school gates for the last first time, I will be ready for a year of hard work, dedication and memories.

I was thinking of making a scrapbook for my last year of school. I think that'd be nice. Something I can show my kids, something that I can always remember.

But most of all, I'm going to be happy.

Doesn't sound like a big ask, but trust me it is. Even the relative happiness I'm experiencing now is amazing compared to how I used to feel. I think, I hope, that I'm through my angsty teenage years. That I'm finished fighting for everyday.

Sure, there will still be ups and downs in the future. I will still do stupid things. I will still feel sadness and disappointment. That's just life. But this time i'm ready for it. This time i've got hope, a positive attitude, God, experience and amazing friends to help me through. This time I won't let it beat me.

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

The best gifts in life are not those you recieve, but those you give.

Keep smiling, the sun always rises after night.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Sept

Things are getting busy again. It's quite ironic how I like doing everything, but I dislike being busy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A few years ago, I never thought I could be the person I am today. I would never in a million years imagined the person I have become. I mean, I'm still not completely happy with who I am, but who ever is? And considering I am a perfectionist, I probably never will be. But I think i'm at a place where I can be content.

In primary school I was a dork. I had hardly any friends. I had no confidence, no self esteem. I thought I was ugly, fat, stupid, annoying, and completely and utterly useless. Maybe some of those things were true, or maybe I just wasn't looking at myself right. At the beginning of high school I was an attention seeker, I wanted to rebel, I wanted to be 'cool'. I wasn't.
I was always compared to my siblings because they were 'better' than me, and maybe they were. But inside, I knew I could be more. I just didn't think anyone else would ever see it.

That's why it means so much to me, that finally, people are seeing it. That i've become confident enough to be who I am. I actually have an idea of who I am. I was living under a cloud for so long, and it always rained. But I think I can see the sun. It's trying to break through. I hope it does.

I don't think I'm perfect. I don't think I'm good at most things I do. And I'm not just saying that. When I put on my 'modest face', it isn't an act. Recognition, praise, they were things I never thought I would get. I'm genuinly happy.

A few years ago, I wouldn't recognise who I am today.
But I still have a long way to go.

Something that really gave me hope this week was this bible verse:

They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away

Revelations 21:3-4

I read that and was like, wow. Really gives you hope when you're down.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Six

For some reason I can't seem to find any motivation at the moment. I am putting off things that I know I need to do. I know that unless I put some effort in I will achieve poorly this term, but for some reason that still doesn't motivate me. If I don't do well I will regret it, but my brain is mush at the moment and can't process anything.

I've gained 3kg. 3 friggen 3kg.

Months of self control, of hard work, of being more hungry than not, of starvation...for nothing.

But I can't find any self control anymore, I can't say no. I want to say no.

Every morning I wake up and say that I will be good that day, that I will start again to exhibit self control and to practise a healthy lifestyle. Every day, I fail.

3kg doesn't sound like much, but if this lack of self control continues, that number will increase.

Reminds me of a song I recently wrote:

"When perfect isn't good enough

What can you do?

When beautiful isn't pretty enough

Who are you?"

I want to do my assignmnents. I really want to. But I just...can't.



Do all fairytales have to include true love?
Because my fairytale has been rather lacking in it.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone who could possibly understand and love me completely.

Despite these rantings I'm not in a bad mood. I just feel very apathetic. I am rather happy at the moment, despite the aforementioned problems.

Life is the greatest blessing of all. So make the most of every day.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x

Cinq

I feel sick.

I don't know whether it's anxiety, stress, regret, indigestion, random physical ailments.

but I feel sick.

maybe my body is disgusted with itself. It has all right to be.

Just another everyday fairytale,
Erin x